K E E P F I T
Banner on back wall saying:
FIT AT FIFTY - SEXY AT SIXTY
KEEP FIT THE KATIE WAY
Sue 1, Sarah, Ann and Kath on stage
KATE (coming on from side and going on the floor in front of the stage says loudly) ARE WE READY? (All look to the front)
ANN Those of us who are here are.
KATE Yes where is everyone? It's always the same people who are late.
ANN Yes, funny that.
SUE Can we start now only I'm going to have my nails done in a bit.
KATH Yes and I'm going to the hairdressers
KATE (in a syrupy voice) yes it's great to see my ladies looking after themselves. It's such a good advert for my classes.(JACKIE and LYNNE stroll on from steps chatting) Oh good afternoon ladies. How nice of you to join us…..finally. We'll be able to start now…at last
LYNNE (looking round surprised) Oh are we late?
SARAH Well seeing as it's ten past nine and we're supposed to start at nine I think you probably are, yes.
JACKIE Oh alright don't get shirty. I've got further to come than anyone else.
ANN Why don't you leave the house earlier?
JACKIE Because I only have enough time to get ready and have my breakfast as it is.
KATH Why don't you get up earlier?
KATE Ladies please can we just get on now we are all here. I've got another class to go to at half past ten and I know for a fact there's roadworks to get through.
KATH Yes come on let's get going. I'll be late for the hairdressers.
LYNNE (looking at her closely) Yes and we wouldn't want that would we. Your hair's a right mess.
KATH (huffily) Well really. I don't come here to be insulted.
JACKIE Why where do you usually go? (her and Lynne laugh)
KATH Kate do I have to put up with this?
KATE No. Lynne that was uncalled for. Apologise to Kath immediately and then we can all get on.
LYNNE Yes sorry Kath. Actually it's not that bad now I've had a proper look.
SARAH Kate before we start (Ann, Sue and Kath give big sighs) Do you think you could change the poster (points to back wall) Only I'm nowhere near fifty.
LYNNE Oh are you not? You do surprise me.
SARAH (looks as if she's ready for a fight) You cheeky cow. Did you hear that Kate?
KATE (sighing) Yes Lynne please. There's no need to be so rude to everyone. Say you're sorry.
LYNNE Sorry. I just thought you were well preserved but if you're nowhere near fifty you're obviously not.
KATE Give me strength. Lynne shut up. Now come on let's get going. Now follow me. (Puts on music. Everyone makes a not very good effort.)
SUE This class gets worse.
ANN I don't know how we are going to be ready for the regional championships at this rate (all the time she is saying this she is looking at Lynne)
LYNNE I suppose you think that it's my fault?
ANN (sniffing) Well if the cap fits . . .
SUE You do cause a lot of interruptions. I sometimes wonder why you bother coming.
LYNNE Well I enjoy the exercise. I like to keep myself trim. Besides it's good to be with all my friends (everyone except
Jackie looks exasperated)
KATE Look we'll go through it slowly step by step without the music. Follow me (everyone looks to the front)
LYNNE (aside to Jackie) I think I'll just nip out for a fag while she's not looking.
JACKIE (laughing) You'll be in big trouble one of these days.
LYNNE Yeh right. Tell her I've gone to the loo if she notices I'm not here. (exits)
SUE (looking round after a period of time) Kate one of us seems to have gone missing.
KATE What? Oh what's the matter now?
SUE Lynne's not here.
KATE Oh for goodness sake. Where's she gone now?
JACKIE Call of nature (looks at the rest of them) It happens to us all you know.
KATH It seems to happen to Lynne a lot more than the rest of us. She must have a weak bladder.
ANN I don't think she's cut out for a keep fit class. I don't know why she doesn't stay at home and watch the telly.
JACKIE I think you're all being really mean. She might not be quite as dedicated as some of you but in her own way she is really trying.
SUE Yes very.
JACKIE (warming to her subject) Why only last week she went to the gym and stayed on one of the machines for about an hour!
ANN Good heavens.
SARAH Yeh right.
KATH Good for her. What machine was it?
JACKIE (looking a bit sheepish) Well it was only the one in the corner that dispenses chocolate but it's a start. At least it got her inside a gym. (everyone laughs)
SUE I thought you were being serious for a minute.
ANN We if you don't all buck your ideas up I'm dropping out of the championships. You're not all showing me up like last year.
JACKIE Wee you can't blame Lynne for that. She wasn't even part of the group then.
SARAH No. But since she joined us things have just gone from bad to worse.
KATE Where has Lynne got to? How long does it take to go to the loo around here? (Lynne enters)
LYNNE Oh hello. You're not all waiting for me are you?
KATE Yes. Where have you been?
LYNNE Toilet. It's allowed isn't it?
ANN (sniffing the air) I can smell smoke.
LYNNE Oh yeh. I think next door are having a bonfire. Now can we get on? You've all been stood around long enough.
KATE Well I really need to talk to you about your outfits for the championships. (everyone moans) Oh it's all right moaning but I need to get the fabric over to the dressmakers as soon as otherwise they won't be ready in time.
LYNNE Oh. Do we have special costumes then?
SUE Of course. You don't think we'd let you loose on the general public looking like that do you?
KATE Oh don't start all that again. If you put as much effort into keeping fit as you do into arguing we'd win this championship hands down.
KATH What have you designed for us this year Kate? I hope it's got a bit of Lycra in it to hold everyone's tummy in.
LYNNE I hope you're not looking at me.
KATE Ladies please. I'm keeping it very tasteful and simple this year. I thought perhaps that net panel down the front of last year's costume was a bit of a mistake. Some of us, who have since left us so I'm not referring to anyone here, looked like they were trying to escape from a string bag. (Lynne laughs)
SARAH So what colour scheme have you gone for? Are we all wearing the same?
KATE No I've gone for a harlequin theme this year. Everyone is wearing a different colour. I've given it a lot of thought.
ANN Well tell us what colour we're in. Put us out of our misery.
KATE Well I thought Kath would look lovely in a deep sapphire blue. It would bring out her colouring a treat.
KATH Oh yes. I always think blue suits me. I always get compliments when I'm wearing blue.
KATE And you Ann. There's only one colour for you. Fiery red to go with your hair.
LYNNE You'll have to remember to put a dye on it that week.
It won't look the same with grey roots.
ANN My hair is, of course, completely natural and yes
Kate I think red will suit me fine.
SARAH What about me Kate? What colour would I look good in?
KATE Well you have such nice eyes and they are such an unusual colour so I thought a rich deep purple would make them come alive.
SARAH Oh yes. I can see that. I can paint my nails the same colour.
SUE I fancied purple. Don't put me in yellow whatever you do.
Yellow makes me look about a hundred. (looks at Lynne who looks as though she is about to speak) SHUT UP.
KATE Oh no. I thought a lovely earthy terracotta for you. With your tanned skin and golden hair it will look gorgeous.
SUE Oh yes. I never thought of that sort of colour. But yes I can see that I could look quite attractive in that.
JACKIE (who with Lynne has been looking on patiently throughout) That only leaves Lynne and me. What colour do you think will suit us best?
KATE (looking slightly uncomfortable) Well I had a lot of difficulty with you two. So in the end I decided to put you in shocking pink and Lynne in luminous green. (Jackie and Lynne look at each other astounded)
LYNNE Well that is charming! I've heard it all now. What does Kath get? A lovely deep sapphire blue to bring out her colouring. Ann gets bright red to go with her hair. Sarah gets rich purple 'cos she's got funny eyes and Sue gets terracotta because she's got golden hair. And what do me and Jackie get? She gets shocking pink so she'll look like a stick of Blackpool rock and I get luminous green so I'll look like a giant Granny Smith. Well thank you very much. (everyone looks slightly uncomfortable)
KATE Well put like that.
KATH Perhaps we could all wear black with accent colours.
ANN I quite fancy red.
KATE I'll have another think. Trouble is the fabric only comes in a few colours.
ANDREW (enters wearing an overall and wielding a brush)Are you lot still here? You'll have to hurry up. I've got to set up for the car maintenance classes.
KATE Oh dear we don't seem to have got very far today.
ANN Now I wonder why that is?
KATE (to Andrew) Just give us a few more minutes. Come on ladies we'll go through the one we learnt last week.(puts on music. Andrew stands near the piano out of the way. All start to do routine. Lynne indicates to Jackie that she is going out for a smoke. Routine of about 2-3 minutes follows - perfect. At the end all walk round the stage and end up in a line across front. Lynne joins line for final pose.